The scapegoat trap Sometimes I am blindsided by an energy and it leaves me stumped for a while, but I am tenacious in my quest to understand what fucks us up. The latest internal shift brought up such an odd feeling I was carried back to old coping tricks, some not very healthy. But I knew it was because of something deeper eating away rather than something from the here and now. Took months for me to even get close to understanding the energy never mind being able to trace it back to the original conditioning. Yesterday while sat on my back step I had a eureka moment. The word scapegoat popped into my head and straight away I googled it's original meaning. It's from the bible, where a goat was burdened with the sins of the community and cast out into the wilderness. My blog began to form and I went on the hunt for the appropriate picture, which is always how I start my blogs. And found the perfect one. We learn the art of scapegoating first in family's. Some people are naturally more sensitive to the distress of others and begin to carry the responsibility for the irresponsible within the group. And some have it thrust upon them by the very same irresponsible members of their family. Drunken parents bleating about how their life would be better if their little bastards would just be who and what they want them to be, rather than make them feel bad for not being the best parent they could be. An older or younger sibling can learn how to pass the buck onto their very own scapegoat and enjoy the freedom of blaming the already conditioned drudge of the group. Drudge energy fits well with a blocked solar plexus, the peacekeeper takes over and try's to contain things , holding off from dealing with the car crash unfolding before them. They are often the most clued up within the family as to the potential hazards of daily events. But have learned that calling a spade a spade will likely get you in the dog house. I learned at a young age to own my fuck ups, but not because I was decent and honest. I learned that lying just makes it worse and owning up shocks the shit out of the grown ups. They are prepared to hear the denials and excuses. My headmasters face was an absolute picture when he turned to me , knowing full well the answer " did you do this Quigley?" . And I said "yes sir, I did!". He actually spluttered before he thanked me for my honesty. My punishment was not as hard as it should have been but he was clearly shaken from not having to force me to own my mistake. I knew I was on to something so owned everything I did from that point on. It did not make me any better, I was still a little shit, but I screwed up the plans of the avoiders in my life who attempted to scapegoat me when they were in the shit. I was known for my honesty even when it meant the cane or slipper and later exclusion from school. I was still a bit of a scapegoat at home, my younger two sisters picked up on mum and dads frustration at me not fitting their expected mould so "Lorraine did it!" Was much used and believed in my younger years. I completely blocked in my solar plexus when it came to family and just stopped trying, I accepted their version of me as bad different rather than different different. I don't want to be the same as anyone else so am happy to be described as different different. While my solar plexus was learning to block , my heart chakra decided to come along for the ride. My nana (God rest her soul) taught me about unconditional love, I was me and that was enough. She never once attached strings of expectations, she just loved me. When she died I do believe a little piece of me died too. I was alone again, not quite what I needed to be to be accepted without a hint of disappointment for who I was not. My parents were good parents, they loved us and cared for us, they grew up with us in lots of ways. Both had it tough in childhood and will have come into parenthood with preconditioned ideas and gut reactions. Monkey see monkey do! We may start off intending to not make the mistakes we feel our parents made but our conditioned chakra's have other ideas. I watched my dad have a head shrink moment when he realised his mistakes he made with me when he made a better choice with Kate. He was always frustrated with me, or at least that's how it came across to me, but his frustration was with himself, you see his solar plexus had swung open so he sought perfection or as close to it as can be managed. But I was the spanner in the works and probably his biggest lesson. We were opposite, so he got frustrated with me while failing to notice that his focus was on what was wrong rather than help to bring out and celebrate what was right. That's the Achilles heel of the solar plexus, make the best of what is , is the middle way, where open or blocked the focus is on what's not or what's wrong. And that can fuck a kid up good and proper. My oldest and closest friend is the salt of the earth and has always been the good girl to my bad girl. I have made her head shrink into her shoulders at my antics over the years but 90% of the time she just let me be me and accepted me as such. On occasions her solar plexus would match mine and on others she would flip to my opposite . We share a lot of our childhood conditioning and that has helped us both to understand and make peace with each others fuck ups. We both have that scapegoat potential still buzzing around in us, just waiting to be sent off into the wilderness with the sins of others so they can pretend they are without sin. We had different original triggers but the results were the same. I have threatened her with shaving her eyebrows off if she lets the irresponsible in her life get away with it for much longer but in truth here I sit still letting others absolve themselves while demonising me as bad Rain, so we should maybe each shave one eyebrow as a painful reminder that we still have some deep work to do. It's our factory settings so hard to overcome when in the thick of the dramas of others. My two younger sisters are still the biggest culprits, each act like arseholes towards me then swan around like I'm the problem. Both are good at disappearing out of my life for a set time and then reappear expecting all to be forgotten. But after years of our on off relationship I have found that I enjoy the peace of them not talking to me. I get no pleasure from being in their company, it's only the wishes of my mum that forces me to occasionally make an effort with either of them. That's seriously sad I know cos neither is totally horrid and as I had that scapegoat potential buzzing round inside all those years I have played my part in our relationship deteriorating to such a degree. Both are funny, entertaining and believe they mean well in all they do. But neither own their mistakes, preferring to use blame guilt or outright avoidance when called out. This weekend I have been invited to be in their company and I did not relish the thought that's for sure, but know that things happen for a reason. The next generation have got in on the act and I am now also estranged from my nephew, for similar reasons. As he grew up I never would have believed a wedge would ever grow between us but the truth is it has. I barely know his stepson and eldest daughter and have never met his youngest despite the fact he only lives a few miles away. It makes my heart sad when I think about the situation and I accept my share of responsibility for how bad it has got. You see I never made him face or own his mistakes, I walked on eggshells around his fragile emotions when in contrast I dragged his sister over the hot coals every time her head was up her arse. I made excuses for his defences while telling his sister to grow the fuck up and own her mistakes. We were once close and I love him truly madly deeply whether we ever utter a word to each other again or not. But now I also love me and my lesson is bigger than both of us, I can't/ won't take all the responsibility for the break down in communications or our relationship. The Irish mammy where excuses and allowances are made for the boys is ingrained in me or was. Now that I have my heavenly grandson I vow to help him be the best and happiest he can be even when it means ripping off the plaster and exposing the presumed wound or embarrassment to be dealt with openly and honestly. We all have internal conditioning, where we react rather than respond to the external trigger from a past understanding rather than deal with our emotions of the here and now. One of the lads at work is a little sensitive and I reacted to his attempt to scapegoat me rather than own his own internal issues and insecurities. I nearly fucked him from a height but stopped myself in time. I have repeated the mistakes I had made with my nephew and made too many allowances for his delicate emotional state. I helped that monster grow and was in danger of sending myself off to the wilderness before I was banished. Now that I am aware I intend to deal with things differently and forego my wilderness trip. The horrible thing is that if we have that potential to be the scapegoat for others we also have the potential to use others as our scapegoat , reason or excuse for why we just fucked up. It's an internal imbalance either way and until we find our middle way and accept our own imperfections and vulnerabilities our chakra's will swing wildly from blocked to open and back to blocked again. Our external world gives clues as to what old programming is still running in the background waiting eagerly to fuck us up royally when we least want or expect it. |
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4/15/2019 07:10:17 am
Hi Rain,
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