When we put all of our expectations for our happiness in the conduct of our significant other and fail to check our own conduct life will reflect our own unreasonable behavior until we either wake up or walk away, only to begin the dance with our next reflection/relationship.
I was expert at noting the mistakes and flaws in my partners but continued to be selective when owning my own. The day I actually faced my pissing in the wind conduct was bitter sweet. Up until that day I had felt like I was going round in circles with previous significant others but I had failed to notice my part in our parting, despite earning the nick name the guillotine I continued to ignore the significance.
That day it was like a mirror was held up to me as I watched my own self preservation defenses click into play, in my partner. My then partners face changed mid sentence, and all I could see was me, over the years, switching off, cutting off and battening down the hatches. Until that day I took pride in my ability to walk away when I perceived the writing on the wall. I was not one to cry, beg, promise to be good, just to save a relationship. I'd ask for a months grace and promise to be civil upon our next meeting. And I was civil if they allowed me the month to disentangle myself from those messy emotions.
Back to that fateful day, and the bitter bit was seeing myself in him, feeling the helplessness previous partners felt at my hand. I knew any attempt of reasoning was futile, we were now in a game of winners and losers, scoring points rather than actually engaging with the person that up until that point was someone I adored.
The sweet bit was the opportunity to own and learn from my past misdemeanor's and chance to step off the merry-go-round. Even if our relationship was over, he was still the man I had loved. To end being bitter and scoring points would only ensure my next relationship would include that unlearned less for as long as I was focused on hurting the other I was not addressing my own hurt.
I think he was shocked at my reaction, I processed all this unfolding understanding out loud, and shared with him my regret for what I now had an inkling of, the pain and helplessness I had put other through while protecting my own unexpressed hurt. He was a little used to my nutty professor dissecting emotions as I was in the early days of my love affair with the chakras so often wanted to see what was behind a reaction. It was over that day, but not because we had argued, more we were no longer a fit. I wanted to evolve my emotions, to respond to them rather than react and he was so hurt he was not ready to step out of his protective shell. That was one of the most valuable relationships of my life because I loved him enough to snap me out of my knee jerk “protect the Queen at all cost!” reactions to messy and painful emotions I was feeling. It was not the best relationship, it was messy with its ups and downs and lots of drama thrown in, but despite that I knew that what I was feeling was growing pains and he was the one forcing me to grow.
Most of us are indignant when others treat us to the same contempt we are prepared to treat those others to when our feelings are hurt. He and I did some shitty things, some you just cant get past, but stepping back and looking at the whole picture he was there showing me that I was pissing in the wind, I was doing as much damage to myself when I got pissy with him and the world in general.
I have been reminded of this relationship while watching the currant unfolding opportunities for others to see where they have been pissing in the wind. When we are in “protect at all cost!” its hard to see or hear another way of doing things. All we can do is share our wake up call and trust that they will notice their own Piss/energy when it comes back at them eventually.