I have called this blog the extra because that is how this situation has made me feel, like the extra in someone else's movie. This time its a woman but truth be told either sex can behave this way with friends or acquaintances, where they have created a story in their head and you are expected to only comment,react, view or respond in the way they need you to. Its tiring, draining and a waste of time , because nothing ever improves until its openly tackled.
I'm feeling a tad poorly with a runny nose sore throat and fits of sneezing so am not as able to bite my tongue as I have been.
In my head I heard myself think "fuck it!" and the next thing I am stating the obvious. She is miserable, always right and repetitive, cos its the same shit every day. It really is like being on the set of a movie, the precious leading act has decided they are not happy, or what they have just said is rip roaring funny and the extra is just expected to fit in with their script.
I feel like I have been force fed bollocks and been told to smile while I swallow. The awkward feeling I have endured alone is now shared as she sulks because bad rainy dared to say it as i see it.
If you bitch about your boyfriend everyday, fault find and have nothing good to say about him, excuse me if I dare to state the obvious and ask why stay when it clearly makes one so fucking miserable.
The current energy is highlighting the crown chakra (my cold is in my head LOL)and is an indication of too much going on. The crown is also the chakra that will expose avoidance in its many guises.
I have suffered in silence for months because after I speak up I am going to have to continue to work closely with this woman, after all that time it seems only fair I share my discomfort and let her feel as uncomfortable as I have been feeling. Everything is always 50\50 . We are both responsible and things can only improve for both of us if we each take our fair share of responsibility.
I know that things have to swing the opposite way before they find a new balance so am more than comfortable with the new awkward silence, it gives me time to write, which is the thing I have missed doing in the mornings but not been in the right headspace to do because I was so busy avoiding being me because its not what she needed from her movie extra.
That "extra"feeling can stay with us even when we are away from the precious leading act, we get so into the habit of zoning out that we end up zoning everything and everyone out indiscriminately. That is where I have been, zoned out, I begin my day in discomfort working alongside someone who is so busy pointing out the flaws of others (open solar plexus) while refusing to see where her own attitude and refusal to accept as much responsibility for her misery as she places daily on others for making her so miserable.
There is no reasoning with her (open throat and blocked third eye) and she can only see how she is affected (open heart ) so if I dare to speak up or clam up she can only see how that makes her feel, never sparing a thought as to what might have driven me to either response.
Sometimes I have to kick myself for the length of time it takes for a penny to drop, I know enough about the chakras that (on paper at least) I know how to deal with the energy pattern she is emanating, I call it the "save your breath" and its taken me the best part of 4 months to remember that there is no point trying to reason with her. The only way to ever have a hope of something other than her own opinion sink in is the "hit and run " technique, where you say your peace in as short a sentence as humanly possible and then disengage. If you keep trying to make your point or express your view and god forbid your feelings, they will continue to resist your view and defend their view to the death. But remove their need to defend and a little at least gets past their overmanned defences.
I have no clue whether my hit and run will work with this lady, but remembering the technique and finding a perverse comfort in the awkward silences helps me to not give a shit anymore.