After a bit of investigating we got to the root of her issue.
The story is an old one, where mum and dad split and step parents join the mix. Last time round she was the child forced to compete with her step mum for her fathers attention. This time she is in the role of the step mum. At first she insisted that the two story's are very different, but eventually she relented and was willing to like at both roles from a different perspective. The adult step child if she was anything like my friend was back when she had that role, was not manipulative and selfish. She was lost and trying to retain her relationship with her father. The step mum this time round is her and she found herself looking back when another woman had that role and seeing that it was not about competing with the child as much as it was getting the father/partner to be fair with both.
Often story's get repeated in our lives to give us a better understanding of a limiting view we may hold .
The man who thinks that sexist or racist jokes are harmless may well find himself consoling a loved one negatively affected by that same but not so harmless humour.
The woman who judged another and condemned her situation is likely to find herself in a similar role.
The friend who dealt with problems in a friendship by cutting them off will eventually be cut off from a friend they will miss and wish that they could be allowed to talk the problems through with the friend who is cutting them off.
The aunty who bought noisy toys and taught their nieces and nephews to be cheeky is likely to forget how funny that is when their role is mum.
The father who left his children cos he no longer loved their mum will break his heart for his daughter when she is left in the same situation.
The daughter who blamed her mum for daddy leaving might understand her mum and dad differently if later in life she is left holding the baby
The mother who failed to put her kids first will see it differently when her grandchildren suffer the same emotional neglect.
The roles will repeat throughout our lives and our loved ones lives in order to bring us to a better understanding, it's not to punish us for having our head up our arse, it's to show us that our view depends on our role and it's the same for everyone else caught up in the unfolding story.
Recognizing all the roles will help us understand our part and ours and their limits based on each others current role.
Now that my friend can see the reversed roles she can choose to address the whole story rather than just her role.